Sunday, January 15, 2012
PORCELAIN BUS, GARBAGE BOWL & BEING SICK
We are all adults. I am going to be blunt and a little naughty with my choice of words here. Do not hate me. It’s delirium. I have been driving a PORCELAIN BUS for the past 8 days battling the flu. Finding humor in this whole ordeal makes it tolerable for me. For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, let me explain. A porcelain bus is a toilet. Here’s WHY in case you never saw the comedy show that first brought it to the world’s attention. Visualize this. A city bus driver, sitting tall, hand on the wheel. Me... on the floor in my bathroom, with my arms wrapped around the bowl as I repeatedly vomit. My bobble head never skipping a beat. See the similarities. Or better yet, imagine me at a FANCY schmancy SPA... paying the price for expensive COLONIC therapy... as I sit my aging derriere on the THRONE... um, COMMODE seat to EVACUATE my bowels, oops! CLEANSE MY SOUL. On the other hand... I’ve been using my brand NEW Rachael Ray GARBAGE Bowl... I got for Christmas, for the EXACT same purposes... when I can’t CRAWL out of bed from the high fever and chills. It’s just the right size, who knew? One has to be creative when you’re suffering like this. Not a pretty picture, I’ve painted. Is it? Too much information, you say. I'M SORRY. Just wanted you to all know why I’ve been missing in action, reading and commenting on your blogs. Good thing for me I only post here, once a week. This is THAT update. Please do NOT worry about me. Things are looking up. In the past 24 hours I seemed to have turned a corner. My PJ’s are drenched. The fever has finally broke. Food, other than saltine crackers, has suddenly become attractive. But my stomach is still doing flip-flops, so easy does it on my intensines. Chicken Soup with Matzoh Balls, scrambled eggs, or a plate of egg noodles slathered in mushroom soup… while doing absolutely NOTHING for my refined palate… might just stay down. Meanwhile, ginger ale, made with REAL ginger, WETS my WHISTLE... even though I hate soda pop. This bout with FLU has taught me some valuable lessons. Number 1. Flu Shots do NOT work. Number 2. $H!T... pardon me, FECES Happens when you least expect it. Number 3. This TOO shall PASS.